What Brought Me To Self-Photography

Over the years, I have gotten a great many compliments on my photos. Photos that in case you didn't know, were photographed by me.

But what brought me to self-photography? Like many presently good things for myself, it's a matter of making a negative into a positive. In this case, the negative is the racism displayed by various facets of the gay "art" community.

My first photos to get me in the industry were taken back in the early 2000s with a flip-phone. And if you recall back then, photos from your cellphone had a blue hue to them. Those pics are partly how I got my very first porn gig of doing a live solo show for a website called ShowGuys.com.

Afterwards, I invested in a real camera and took the photos that started one of my too many wasted trips to Lucas Entertainment. I also sent those pics to other studios along with pics from a photoshoot I won in a porn contest. Back then, predominately white porn studios had no interest in casting a Black man as a bottom. Even a racist scumbag named Troy at Falcon Studios back then gave me the excuse of "calling me when it was the right fit".

With my look then compared to that studio's other models, that excuse could only mean one thing. 😒And the compliance with it by the other performers, then and now is why I'm weary of getting too involved with studio-based gay porn actors .

Sadly, I suspect that the porn director I worked with most, Tyson Cane photoshopped his photos purposely to make sure the models on his roster had limited opportunities outside of him. For the type of photoshop he did, which was overdone, could still get a porn studio to hire you...if you were white or light-skinned Latino, but not if you were medium to dark-complexioned person of color.

Although Tyson Cane often tried to assimilate whiteness with his productions, he would have been a complete fool to be unaware of the porn industry's racist double standard. One that allows a white or light-skinned model to have such overdone photos and still get work. Meanwhile, if the porn actor is Black, that porn actor is easily disregarded and discarded.

And that is what I think happened to me. For Tyson Cane's pics were most definitely overly photoshopped, and my involvement with former pornstar Will Clark's charity events and the big name pornstars that put me in interactions with put me in a position unlike most of the other models on Tyson Cane's roster. It gave me a possible in to big name porn companies.

Make no mistake, Tyson Cane is an idiot, but he also exhibits the typical traits of a porn director. Especially one of the most prominently negative... rabid insecurity. Rabid by way of them not seeing how it is all too often their own actions that cause people to leave them.

In any case, I got tired of photos in which I did not look like myself. The straw that broke the camel's back was how Will Clark invited me to be one of the porn performers on his Bad Boys On The Hudson Sea Tea. We were asked to bring photos to sign for fans at a Meet-and-Greet at the end of the cruise. Listening to the ignorance of Tyson Cane, I got either 4 x 6, or 5 x 7 photos. Because Tyson Cane said, his "main thing to consider is cost". Meanwhile, all of the other pornstars had what is customary, 8 x 10s. Following Cane's idiotic advice made it quite difficult for patrons to carry my photo. Because they were trying to hold onto about 6 photos...when all but 1 is not an 8x10. So people kept dropping it. But I made up for it when I got invited to do Bad Boys On The Hudson the following year.

The next year, I moved into a new place. Taking my own photos. For Bad Boys On The Hudson Sea Tea, not only did I come back with 8x10s like I should have the first time. But I also gave patrons a choice between 2 photos. Some patrons were so sweet that I let them have one of each.

Besides that, one of my greatest accomplishments from that return to self-photography is how all of the photos featured for my part in the pornstar interview book "Ultimate Starz" by Owen Keehnen were not taken by porn studios like practically all of the other models. They were instead taken by the pornstar himself, ME.

Once I started submitting those photos, people started expressing interest. Even with that new interest however, porn companies maintained their racist double standard. Such as how Chi Chi LaRue and Doug Jeffries' people wanted me for a movie. BUT only considered me if I was planning to come out to California on my own. Meanwhile, I know for a fact of how they (the studio) have flown out white and light-skinned Latino performers.

In spite of instances such as that, once I officially retired from studio-based porn, other opportunities arose. Such as the times I modeled for the Leslie-Lohman Drawing Studio, my appearance in Next Door Magazine were all gigs brought forth by my self-photography. At one point, I was in talks to possibly model for The LGBT Community Center's Drawing Group. But by the time I checked back in to continue those talks, which was not long after, the person choosing models had changed. And since I followed the schedule via Instagram, I saw that had come to not have the same diversity including Black models like when I was in talks to possibly model for them. 

This racism in art (of all places) is synonymous with many photographers who claimed to have interest in photographing me. However, never doing their part in keeping the communication going when I replied to their interests. And I'm sure if some of them read this, they will refuse to correct or apologize for their falling off. Simply out of their own unjustified ego and avoidance of accountability. Even when their New York-based portfolio proves quite lacking in both number and/or variety in types of medium to dark-complexioned male models. Quite shameful when they reside in such a multi-colored and multi-ethnic mecca that is New York City.

An overwhelming majority of photographers still use that criteria of gym-rat physique and bald head when casting medium to dark-complexioned models, but allow white to caramel brown models have more variety in build. Sometimes that variety in build has so much less definition that these photographers border on endorsing pedophilia with their photography.

In any case, now you know what led me to my self-photography. Various photographers claiming interest proved themselves to be racist and unreliable. At least for my Black skin and build.

For this reason, I must use this article to give a shoutout to Manon Productions, LLC & Male Form Photos - 2 photographers who expressed interest in photographing my brown skin, and kept the communication happening for it to come to fruition.

So other than to 2 of them, if I want to show a medium to dark-complexioned Black man; one with a fit, but not gym-rat physique; and still have his hair, thereby making his African descent visible to racist white males wanting to erase it, then these photographers claiming interest made an age-old saying a must for me to live by...

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF.

"You Like That Ni**er D*ck?"...Yes, He Said THAT!

Recently, I went to the bathroom in a gay bar. There were 2 guys in there having sex. In spite of this, I proceeded to take my piss at a urinal. As that's somewhat of  commonality in this space.

The bottom was a Latino, whom I knew. The top was light-skinned, but being a lousy judge of ethnicity, I could not be sure what his ethnicity was. 

My peripheral vision saw a black male suddenly come into the bathroom. He was not my favorite person since I already saw him do something outside the bathroom that I hate. He imposed himself upon the action of others. So fitting the stereotype, he aggressively started topping the Latin bottom. With aggression that made him look like practically every black gay porn actor whose majority of their scenes are them topping white/light-skinned boys (not men). And it was negative aggression. Because after all, this was not his fuck. Like I said, he imposed himself into the mix. So there was no sex positivity to be seen in that fuck once he got in it. Nor was there any to be heard.

For not too long into topping the Latino, the black guy said, "Yeah! You like that nigger dick?"

I don't know what the Latin bottom said. Because I was too disgusted by the black guy's words. For that word coming out of his mouth in reference to himself, plus witnessing him impose himself into other's fun made him a trifling creature that lessened his worth.

As I have said in past blog articles, I don't play voyeurs to sex sessions in such places. For while many sex sessions in such spaces are based on sexual racism and colorism, I refuse to look because I've done enough vicarious living before my coming out. Displays of both made that black guy such a disappointment that it made it real easy for me to walk away and not look.

When I told others of what I had witnessed, all of whom were either white or light-complexioned, they thought that I should just dismiss it. Because as one of them put it, "Seeing himself in a way to use that word is not a 'you' problem. That's a 'him' problem."

True and wise as that statement may be, I replied, but couldn't put it into the best words as I can after processing it. So I will now.

Dr. Phil McGraw has told a number of his guests over the years, "You teach people how to treat you".

Well, what many overlook is that when you're a minority in a space, the way you allow people to treat you (which is how they're taught to treat you) is also how you're teaching them to treat others in your minority group.

This is why I take such a strong stand against unwanted touch with my exhibitionism. Enough to pitch it to Damon L. Jacobs to be interviewed on the matter. Because if I allow myself to be touched without verbal and/or physical reprimand to someone I clearly said "NO!" to, then I am also teaching those aggressors to treat every other exhibitionists with the same disrespect. 

So in this instance, this black male in a space full of mostly white and light-skinned males who are more than likely heavily influenced by the racist rules of porn, to anyone who overheard him use that N-word to describe himself, he just further cemented their negative view of Black males as being "less than". Only worthy of being fetishized, then disposed of. Why? Because according to his behavior with that word, he does not even have pride in himself. So why should anyone else?! Thereby making it be that another black male, maybe even myself was going to have to pick up where he fucked up by demanding better treatment for those of us who truly know the beauty of our Black selves.

With that said, the more multiple brands of a minority you are, and the more self-aware you are, the more sensitive you will be to that responsibility to teach people how to treat you. And being a Black out predominately gay bisexual who is also an unapologetic American exhibitionist, I am of many minorities that make me sensitive to that responsibility.

What you say in the privacy of your own private spaces is one thing. However, when you are in a public space, a public sexual space, that is a different story. And race play is one of those things. 

In such sexual spaces, one should stick to vanilla dirty talk. The problem is gay males are getting more overly self-entitled. Thinking they should not have to censor themselves. Refusing to acknowledge how they are not in their private space, but a public one. As their private space would be where such language should be allowed without outside judgement.

Now, I will tell you that I am all about letting go during sex. However, I do make mental notes of what I cannot do with someone because I am in a certain space. For in a public space, the lack of consent to certain language and actions can cause justified problems from both your playmate(s) and onlookers. 

That is why this instance rubs me the wrong way.

For that N-word is highly offensive to me, as it is to many others. Regardless of how it is used. Now, if this guy wants to do such race play, then he should do so in private. NOT in a bar bathroom or backroom that is not overall sponsoring that kind of play.

Maybe even an hour or more after hearing that guy's social ineptitude make him say that word, I was just standing around. The black guy walked pass me and grabbed my arm as if out of flirtation. I was so beyond repulsed. Seconds after he kept walking I could still feel his touch. I tried to tune it out and proceed with minding my own business to not react by wiping the essence of him off of me. But I couldn't help but eventually feverishly rub my arm. Because his touch made me feel like maggots were crawling and squirming on me. Maggots that were multiplying by the millisecond. So rubbing my arm became inevitable to try and get the ugliness of his self-loathing soul off of my skin.

In any case, I'm telling this because it needs to be said. People need to be mindful of where they are, and how they define themselves in public may not only be harmfully misrepresentational of themselves. But also their entire community.

Sex Party Etiquette: Older Guys, Heavyset Guys, & Blacks Are NOT The Help

I went to the SCUM party, Gush one Monday night. There after topping this tall, older well-built White male, I did my recommended post-sex wash-off, then stood on the side. While standing there, a guy who appeared to be light-skinned Latino, with black hair, moderately hairy, with a tan baseball cap and glasses looked over to me like he was about to say something. However, the next thing out of his mouth pissed me off.

He said, "You were fucking that guy earlier."

I said, "Yes."

He said, "Is he only a top?"

I said, "I don't know."

He then asks, "Is he still here?"

I replied, "I don't know." After a brief paused, I said, "Why are you asking me?"

In his attitude of white/light entitlement, he shrugged it off by saying, "Well, you were fucking him. So I thought I'd ask."

As many have told me that my eyes tell everything I'm thinking, I've come to use it as a weapon to get ignorant people out of my sight. So after that statement, I gave him one sharp glance and turned my head. Making the now awkward silence make him go elsewhere.

My thought was that it is a sex party. If you want to know where someone is, if you see someone you like who has walked pass you, you just get up off your ass and go look for them. Don't ask others about them. Especially not the person that just had sex with them, yet you have no intention of fucking the person you questioned. 

Post-sex conversations about someone's playmate are to be compliments of one's performance with that playmate. Not a questionnaire about the playmate's position and whereabout stats to dismiss in their minds your time with that person. Such a questionnaire is a power-play meant to diminish (and erase) my encounter from his mind. By treating me like the help. A walking information desk. Instead of a fellow hunter and actual sexual equal. Especially since he saw the person he wanted have an encounter with a Black man.

Unfortunately, many young white and light-skinned people of color gaining acceptance via colorism behave this way. Neglecting how at a sex party, unless you know the person outside the sex party, you practically never strike up a conversation unless you're looking to have sex with that person. Young white and light-skinned guys in their attitude of entitlement seem to follow this rule only when they talk to their own. For anyone outside of their age, body type, and/or skin color mirror image, it is a coin-toss as to whether or not sex with you is their goal. If there is no sex on their To-Do list with you, then it is probably just chit-chat for the sake of seeming friendly. Compensating for the pretentiousness that makes them sexually see you as less than.

It is not only striking up conversations to get information is not the only method one is treated as the help. These same guys will also use non-whites, heavyset guys, and older guys as fluffers. Because in their attitude of entitlement, you are not good enough to fuck. You are only good enough to service those perceived as "sex gods". Because of this attitude, I have come to hate the word "service" in porn titles and descriptions to mean oral sex. Even though I have admitted to moments at which I like being submissive.

Some years ago, seeing a bunch of white and light-skinned Latinos do this to an Asian one time too many at a NY Jock Party is why I stopped going there. And when I meet someone who has attended NYJP in the years since, they report to me as to nothing has changed. Of course, such reports only come from non-white attendees as white attendees are too self-involved about getting theirs to notice when someone else is being slighted.

For these reasons, I saw this guy asking about the one I had sex with as being motivated by jealousy. Jealousy that I had sex with someone he found attractive, but felt because of my being Black that I wasn't good enough. So this questioning was his cowardly, petty, and racist way to say, "Yeah, I want him. Not you."

Sadly, this questioner would have probably done the same thing if a heavyset and/or older person had sex with the guy I was with. Why? Because acts of ageism, racism, colorism, and body-shaming in environments like this are born out of insecurity. So because they are taught that Black males, heavyset guys, and older guys do not have sex appeal, to see such people acquire someone they want brings them to a reality that reminds them that they are not sex gods. That the world (or the gay community) does not revolve around them or bend to their every will. And that makes them scared...as they should be.

For behavior such as this guy's makes it only a short matter of time before his attempt to be a discarder will result in him actually becoming the discarded. With the only possible way to keep the illusion that he is not discarded alive is by buying off young guys with the promise of booze and drugs.

So this post is to warn many to do better. Because I keep saying it, and the rule has not changed...Karma is a bitch.

If Face Obstructions Are Your Schtick, I'm Not Watching Your Sh*t

When I say in the title "face obstructions", I mean those creating a porn following while hiding their face. Doing everything from wearing a hood or mask, wearing a blindfold, pixelating the face, blurring the face, to blocking the face with a phone or other object. There seems to be a lot of porn out there now made by such people using this gimmick. It is an idiocy I want no part of.

I won't subscribe to it, nor would I ever hook-up on camera with such a person. And it makes me feel a certain way about those subscribing to them, but even worse, collaborating with them. Because it means they are enabling every negative I speak of in this article about this schtick. And I won't cancel those who collaborate with them. My concern is that they are not seeing this to the depth that I'm seeing it. Hence part of the necessity for this article.

Before I go any further though, let it be known that I am not talking about people who do one or two porn scenes with their face obstructed. With an avoidance of  notoriety that makes them either not have a name or paid following. Such as my playmate from years ago in my homemade video "Why It's WE Fucked".

I am also not talking about guys who have donned a hood/mask occasionally, but overall you still know their face. This is to address the one obsessed creature on Instagram who tried to call me a hypocrite for criticizing mask-wearing in porn because I wore a hood in one of my videos. Meanwhile, in over 95% of my videos before and since that one, my face has been shown. Because me wearing a hood or mask is like everything else I do sexually. It hits me in that moment, then afterwards, I put it away for another day.

The first problem with these facial obstructions is that it is a fake freedom. They think they are sexually liberated, but they are not. If you really own what you are doing, you don't hide your face doing it.

I was done enabling sexual lies to myself and others the very day I came out to myself on February 9, 2002. So I'm not hooking up on camera (or otherwise) with a person lying to themselves. Because if they are lying to themselves, there's a good chance they are lying to others. And not just a corporate job, which is the go-to excuse. But to a partner. Maybe even a partner who is a girlfriend/wife. And collaborating with such a guy makes you an enabler to a lie. Bad karma I don't want coming my way.

Many don't realize that everyone who does a facial obstruction in porn fits a racist white-endorsed image of sex appeal. If you think I'm wrong, then comment with someone who does not fall into the skin color-based traits listed below.

WHITE MALES - All a white male obstructing his face in porn really needs for acceptance is to have is a fit body. Thanks to the sexual white male privilege displayed in the gay community, a top having a big dick, or a bottom having a nice ass is appreciated, but not necessarily a must. For people of color however, such is not the case;

LIGHT-SKINNED NON-WHITE MALES - The colorism that is used to cover up racism is heavily used here. For the rules for light-skinned males obstructing their face are a bit more open than for a medium to dark-complexioned male, but still limiting.

For light-skinned males, the rules of acceptance of their facial obstruction is a whispered reminder of how much they are not white, even though many try to assimilate the racism of whites. Because for light-skinned males, unlike with white males, being well-endowed in the marketed area of the body is indeed a must. Therefore, a light-skinned bottom will not be accepted without having a nice ass, and a light-skinned top won't be accepted without having a big dick. And while his white counterpart can be a grower, a light-skinned male is only accepted if he is a shower.

MEDIUM TO DARK-COMPLEXIONED MALES - While the rules for a facially obstructed medium to dark-complexioned male being accepted start off being the same as those for a light-complexioned male, how much of the superficial success he'll achieve is dependent upon whether he is doing so as a top or bottom. Hence furthering my point of how the rules are racist white-endorsed.

For a black male being a top using his dick as a weapon to avenge slavery is still the typical white ideal of what makes a black male sexy. And all of the more popular black males with their faces obstructed as their porn schtick and featured in interracial scenes are all big-dicked, aggressive fucking tops. Medium to dark-complexioned bottoms hiding their face are nowhere nearly as popular.

Going back to the hiding because of one's job excuse. To that I say...

No one told you to live a life in which you can't do porn freely. Furthermore, doing porn for the public to see should not be a necessity. If one sees it as a necessity, it is because they have allowed their sexuality to be validated by other's point of view. That is not a necessity. That is a sign of a social dysfunction within. Especially since most of those that the validation is sought from are more about depravity than exhibitionism. And sad to admit, but doing porn is often treated as a rite of passage for gay males. So this social dysfunction is often heavily pushed upon us to have.

And I'm not going to request this politely, so I'm not saying "please". I'm just going to come right out and say do not try using the necessity for income during the pandemic as an excuse. Why not? Because it might be the case for some, and for them, I do empathize with their situation. However, facial obstruction for the negative reasons I have stated have been in existence long before the pandemic. The increase in porn viewing during the lockdown just happened to expose us to how too many have been doing it.

I want people who seek having an exhibitionist spirit and being sexually liberated to do so in both word and action. These facial obstructions are not it. And my coming down so harshly is because as adults, we all should know better. Instead, we have adults who in all of the ways I'm refusing to contribute to this falsehood of liberation are actually making a trail of to feed the falsehood.

So as I said before, I am not supporting a lie of sexual liberation. Not by way of my writing, my social media sharing, in spirit, and most definitely not by way of my wallet.

His Hand Was About To Get These Hands

 

As always for me, my addressing an issue at length stems from one incident being the straw that broke the camel's back after many. So the following story is from such a moment since it led to my TikTok video about unwanted touch. And the further this story goes into details, you'll see why it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I was out at the NYC gay bar, The Cock. You are allowed to strip down to your underwear on any given night, so the nudist & exhibitionist in me often takes advantage of that option. I was in the basement, and just standing there minding my business. An old white male that I have seen often, and had to swat off me often walked in my direction looking straight ahead of him. However, as he walked pass me, he grabbed my crotch. No eye contact from him beforehand to request an invitation to my body whatsoever.

Because of that lack of an invitation when he had the opportunity to request one, I immediately swatted his hand away. In response, instead of being apologetic, he in turn raised his finger to me and said, "Don't do that!"

So many words flooded my mind, but that raised finger; raised to lecture me like I was a misbehaved child stood so far out in my mind that the only words that initially came out were, "Who the fuck are you talking to??? THIS is my body! And I will do 'that'! Because I don't fuckin' want you!"

He replied, "No you won't!"

I said, "Excuse me. Try touching me again."

He said, "I will...gently."

"Try it! So I can put you the fuck out of your misery you Jabba The Hutt-lookin' mutha fucka!"

Yes, the Bed-Stuy ghetto boy came out in the Lower East Side that night.

As my voice was elevating with each syllable, I realized that one of the go-go boys and a patron tried to pull me away. Yes, you read correct. Pull me away. For it was at that point that I realized that I was actually walking towards the guy while yelling at him. Because his response of entitlement made me get more in position to see if he would actually take me up on my dare for him to touch me. A touch that would have resulted in a justified physical retaliation by me.

While I was glad for the go-go boy and patron's attempt to de-escalate the situation, I also felt there was some other reason for them intervening besides the common avoidance of a fight occurring in a bar. Then my inner-voice laid it out for me.

My conscience said, "LeNair, stand down! Think about the optics!."

My Aries rage made my response to my conscious be, "Fuck the optics! He deserves his ass whipped!...But then again, you are me. Therefore, you're smart. So maybe there's something I'm not seeing right now. But whatever it is, explain it fuckin' fast! Because this guy deserves an ass-whippin' for sho'!"

My conscience replied, "Okay. That guy looks like he's near or is collecting Social Security. And yes, you are 50. So yes, you are in the age range to justifiably beat his ass. However, as you have been told from talks with many guys in many places,...you don't look 50. To them you look late 20s - mid 30s at the oldest. So to mostly everyone within view of this confrontation, you beating on that man would look like a young punk beating up a senior citizen. And you being black and him being white makes the optics even worse. So again! LeNair, STAND! DOWN!"

To this explanation, my conscience proved to be intelligent as I figured. So I followed that voice.

There are a number of reasons this guy felt entitled to touch me and not take well to being called out on it. It could be a sense of white entitlement. It could also be the rape culture that is enabled by so many facets of the gay male community. It could also be his ethnicity-based male pride completely absent of a racist motivation, but instead an egotistical one. For I have had a number of confrontations with guys of different ethnicities that you know their aggression of that word "No!" is based in their ethnic culture of origin's idea that the male aggressor is to be submitted to by their target with no questions asked. Or it can be some combination of one or more or all of the above.

Whatever the case, it needs to stop. And it won't stop until we address it. I have said repeatedly in blog and social media posts that turning the other cheek and acting like such behavior "just comes with the territory" is why many who want to be a part of the events in such a space, and can act civilly decide to instead stay away from it.

What also is not a help is mocking me for addressing such intrusion into my personal space. From the moment I saw myself mocked by a bar patron for speaking up about unwanted touch via social media I knew that such an attitude has led to many, many, many. many unreported sexual assaults and rapes in the gay male community.

And for the record, all of the negative behaviors spoken of in this article are not unique only to The Cock. They can be found in many a gay bar and club across the globe. And that is the reason I am addressing this. We need to right this wrong. And gay media heads need to stop waiting for a cute white face that they owe a favor for a fuck to in order to address it. For their boy-toys are the kinds that give my sexual assailant the idea that he can get away with his behavior.

I want the new gays who come out to look at our community and be proud to be a part of it. The allowance, cowardice, and enabling of such behaviors makes us nothing to be proud of. In fact, they are a prime example of what prompted this Facebook post:

Let that sink in. Is this the kind of community we want to be? I know I don't. How about you? 

If You Know Your Beauty So Much, Why Are Your Actions So Ugly?

Recently I was at the New York City gay bar, The Cock. As usual there, I took advantage of their allowance to strip down to my underwear. Immediately after stripping down to the top and bottom pictured, I went to the bar to order a drink.

While waiting, it was not even 20 minutes into being stripped down before I felt a smack across my butt. The only suspect was a black male with brown dreadlocks walking pass. Obviously, a socially inept creature thinking my being in my underwear made me a free-for-all. I didn't chase after him to call him on his ignorance. I figured if he was that stupid, he would do something else in due time. If not to me, then to someone else.

Anyway, after getting my drink, I went downstairs.

Not too long after, I came back upstairs to get away and continue my drink. I was leaning against the bar, and the black guy returned. This time, he came at me and immediately started touching me as he tried talking to me. I repeatedly kept moving his hand. He acted as if I was overreacting. As he proceeded trying to talk to me, he again began reaching to touch on me while he talked. I finally told him, "Talk with your mouth. Not with your hands."

Owning my body enough to say that pissed him off. So much so, he said the stupidest thing to me.
He said, "Look. I know my beauty---"

Once I heard those words, I immediately cut him off saying, "Excuse me! With your behavior right now,...you have no beauty!"

I then sashayed away to the restroom.

I cut him off so quickly because I knew exactly where his speech of him "knowing his beauty" was born from. It was born out of what he (like many Black males, including myself) have likely encountered from all too many racist white/light-skinned males.

White boys and assimilating light-skinned boys of color who treat black males like they're too ugly to be acknowledged in a cruising spot. By acts such as:

• acting bothered by a medium to dark-complexioned Black male admiring their initial only skin-deep beauty;
• trying to literally push those black males out of the way so they can get to another white/light-skinned guy they've targeted, and/or;
• trying to steal away a white/light-skinned guy after he is already in the company of a black male.

So the problem is that as a Black man, a very aware Black man at that, I will always be the wrong audience for this guy's intended speech of him knowing his beauty.

He probably tried that speech on me because while those feelings were probably justifiably festering inside him, he was too much of a coward to say it to an actual white or light-skinned boy. Likely due to how in many such spaces, after doing some act of self-entitlement, white males will turn on their White Fragility "I'm afraid" cry to security at a venue. Fearing rightful retaliation from the Black male they slighted. Then unfairly, security will appease the white male's attitude of privilege by treating the Black person as the troublemaking party. Often without even hearing details of what led up to the conflict.

So in short, this black male's actions towards me were no better or different than any such white male. For in the end, he tried that speech on me because like those type of white/light guys, he saw me as less than. Namely, less of a threat if I get offended by his attack.

Well, this post is proof how I am actually more of a threat than those white males. For the reason such unwanted touch still goes on so frequently is because the same white/light guys this black male was afraid to ruffle the feathers of are the same ones who want to be identified as "strong adult males". Yet they sit in silence about unwanted touch. Even going as far as mocking me for talking publicly on social media about it.

Analyzing this guy's aggression in his approach to me sadly exposes why one seldom sees me play with a black male at racially diverse events.

It's because many (not all) of the black males I encounter at more racially diverse events assimilate what I call, "the gorilla nigger" aggression of the typical black porn actor in an interracial scene. They feel this is how to get the indoctrinated prize of a white/light guy as your sex partner. More specifically, as your white/light-skinned bottom. And this does work for some. However, it usually ends up that the black top is treated as a disposable entity. Very much like the black tops are treated in porn.

And speaking of porn, the ignorance in following that is because your typical gay porn actor is a prostitute. I know we are in this age of not shaming sex workers, but this aspect here deserves it. For that prostitution mindset allows these white/light-skinned porn actors to have sex with a black with money, and not genuine attraction as the sole motivation. This includes for their OnlyFans, JustForFans, 4MyFans, etc. accounts as well. For sometimes they hook-up with a black male simply as a means to dodge being accused of racism. Like the many scumbag white/light-skinned models who treat their 1st (or any)time of taking on a black cock to be deserving of a badge of honor.

 
This following of porn-endorsed archetypes is why many black males in multi-colored environments fail the black male community, but even more so, themselves. Such as the black male who stepped to me that night. With his biggest mistake being like most such black males...He never turned that porn-endorsed aggression off when approaching a Black male. He forgot how unnecessary (and for me, downright unappealing) that role is.

For that reason, he loss any chance he had with me. And he will continue to lose whenever he tries stepping to someone of any color self-aware and self-assured as I have now become.

  
Don't get me wrong. As a result of overcoming my years ago self-proclaimed racism towards other Black males because of trauma, I do find some Black males who are sexy as fuck just like every other color/ethnicity. However, I usually find them at all-Black events. The problem there is that in being a proud American, I am very loving of the melting pot that is America. Reveling in the great sexual beauty of all of those colors coming together. So any environment that is all black, all white, or any single color in between, I don't like being in for long. Add to that my being a proud and real New York City native, I am even more so appreciative, craving, and respecting of that melting pot and its sexual beauty.

Now, if I could find more Black men unlike that guy in those multi-colored environments, instances such as the one I told about here would happen a lot less. For within a week's time, this was not the only such incident with a black male in a racially diverse environment. In fact, it was the 2nd of 3 within a week.

So yes, sadly I must report that this is a real problem. One in which many black males in racially diverse spaces need to do better for me to address them as Black men. 

What's In My Sex Party/Backroom Pouch?

 

If you've ever seen me at either a sex party, or bar event with a backroom, then you may have noticed me wearing a pouch on my belt, or one gartered around my thigh. If so, you might have wondered what's inside that pouch. Well, if you've been either my playmate, or a voyeur watching closely, then you already know the answer....

It's mainly condoms and lube.

If you have ventured to such play spaces, then you have definitely been ear witness to some guy saying, "Anybody got any lube?", or unless it's a bareback sex party, "Anybody got a condom?"

With such being the case, and me coming well-prepared (therefore supplied), you would think that I would be the 1st to offer lube, and/or a condom. Well, as much as I try to spread messages leading to great sexual health, guys making a request for condoms and/or lube can go fend for themselves. There are a number of instances leading up to this position on the matter, but hindsight on one in particular is what led the charge.

Some years ago, I was go-go dancing at a Daniel Nardicio party. I witnessed the usual greeting amongst the go-go boys between both, those who did and those who did not know each other. All of them were either white or light-skinned Latino. No matter how shy the other seemed, someone made the 1st move to either greet or introduce themselves to somebody. To every somebody except for me, the only Black go-go boy.

Later on in the night, this muscled up blond and a brown-haired twink were hooking up in the changing area. The blond asked, "Anybody got a condom?"

Being the enabler of everyone practicing safer sex that I was back then, I went into my bag and got him one. I was not turned on by the sex at all. After all, what was there to be turned on by? It was 2 dismissive white boys fucking, while I'm a self-assured Black man whose was then (and now) aware that their dismissiveness of just my presence was a product of their own insecurity. You can look at many a gay porn to see that via its producers and performers. But at the moment, I took pride in helping them have safer sex, and let that override all else.

However, as time went on, and hindsight being 20/20, I realized that I wasted a condom on walking waste products. So I needed to rethink my credo of being Mr. Helpful.

For what they did is no different than what most twinky to muscular white boys, light Latinos, and buffed, big dicked black guys, (in short, porn's idea of beautiful) do all the time at sex parties and backrooms to this very day. They come to the space, even if there are condoms and lube available in the space for them to grab themselves, looking to who is considered "undesirable" to provide them with those condoms and lube. Because as far as they're concerned, the "undesirables" can't get any sex themselves, and desperately need to live vicariously through them, so those "undesirables" will provide whatever the "pretty people" need to fuck.

Before someone tries going there, let me assure you that this is not about envy of how they got some and I didn't. While I am always horny, I have a work ethnic even at a sexual nightlife event. And that work ethic makes my getting laid not be a priority. Nor do I envy someone who gets an opportunity to get laid, and takes it. If it interferes with with their job of being eye candy interacting with the patrons, I'm disappointed in them, but I'm never envious.

And why would I be envious? Besides my past in porn, and waaaay more relevant are my written and unwritten sexual escapades that at least on my end, were done based on a premise other than "Ooh! He's hot!". And at a number that if my gay-fucking was ever put on trial, you would find a courtroom full of subpoenaed witnesses.

So while it's more about quality not quantity, what I take umbrage with is that in these guys' racist eyes, I was seen as one of those "undesirables". "Undesirable" to the point that not only was I deemed un-fuckable, but even worse, unworthy of acknowledging my presence in the vernacular of being work colleagues for that night. The asking for a condom and willfully grabbing it from me of all people showed these white boys to be no better than the black bums I see on the street. Black bums who when they had some money, would always ask me if I was Black American because they thought I was foreign-born, but now that they have nothing, and want some of what I have, I've suddenly become "Brother".

So after enduring so many instances like this, and ending up often getting condoms and samples of lube, I bring my own tools now. And those tools are only for me and my playmate.

I started putting them in such a pouch because I didn't want to be those guys I mentioned before, whose type are still too aplenty today. I didn't want to be one of those guys relying on others who I think are less attractive to do for me what I, as a real man, should be doing for myself. All because I think "I'm pretty, so they should serve me". That's how I would roll if I believed some of the hype about me. So it is how I could roll. However, it's not how anyone should roll.

Now, if the guy is not my potential playmate, he has 1 of 4 choices standing near me:

1. take his chances fucking raw and get an STI, or HIV if they're not on PrEP. As I stated in a post for Thotyssey, there's no shame in getting an STI or HIV. But this outcome is a good comeuppance if their "pretty-boy" laziness makes them squeamish by being still uneducated about HIV/STIs;
2. stop what they're doing to get one of the condoms and/or lube provided by the space;
3. wait for someone who does see themselves as "undesirable", so they do want to live their sex lives through those "pretty people", or;
4. use spit, which actually is not good to do because it is water, which easily absorbs back into the body. Hence why most if not all guys who use spit as lube slowly, but surely kill their brain cells by also using poppers.

That's why I take that pouch with me every time I know I'm going to a sex party, or somewhere with a backroom. Because if I ever forget, those options will then become my options. And I did have one instance in which I was faced with that. To prove again that I practice what I preach, let me reveal that I chose Choice 2. And sometimes, even with my pouch on me, I've done Choice 4 because I was so into the guy. But since I stand firm in my anti-poppers stance, I do eventually stop, and get the lube.

So as most everything  has a backstory, a simple pouch attached to me at sex parties and backrooms is no different. So if and when you see it, you know what it is, what's in it, what sparked its getting there, and what you have to be to me in order to partake of it.😉

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My Birthday Sex! A Black Guy Bottoms...Via Grindr???

When my birthday came around last year, like many because of the pandemic, I couldn't make any birthday plans. That included the inability to have a hook-up for birthday sex. Especially since my birthday was exactly 2 weeks after COVID-19 was declared a pandemic. Well this year, with restrictions easing up, I decided to do my damnedest to not let that happen in 2021 as well. 

So I planned a hotel staycation, with the hopes of getting lucky. For this, with much hesitation, I reinstalled the hook-up app, Grindr on my phone.

The hesitation was because in addition to apps like Grindr enabling people's social ineptitude in securing a worthwhile partner (for life or one night) and the app's racist monitors, I recently turned 50. So I knew I wouldn't likely get a lot of hits to my liking. Because in addition to my age (and envy over how good I look for my age), there is also my skin color, and what I'm seen as because of my skin color. 

Quite often when you go on Grindr, Tinder, and the like, the color make-up of the faces you see is usually white/light-complexioned with a few specs of medium to dark-skinned people.

With gay apps, IF one of those mostly white/light-complexioned guys hit up a medium to dark-complexioned black male (like myself), the white/light guy 90+% of the time follows the porn-indoctrinated racist idea of seeking the disrespectful term of "BBC". Because that supposedly makes a black male the vengeance-seeking aggressive top that he's "supposed to be" on white/light bodies.

It's such a disgusting and constantly witnessed routine that it provoked my quick dismissal of a white/light-skinned gymrat who hit me up with no face pic in their profile, as shown in the screenshot below:

Well, I was wanting to sexually celebrate turning 50 and fabulous as a bottom. Especially since I had not bottomed for a actual dick since early to mid-August. That means about 7 1/2 months of my hole being denied the pleasure of being filled with a real cock, and not a dildo like you may have seen in my videos during those months. So this guy with his racist ass-umption was not going to do it for me.

The day before my hotel check-in, while at work, I looked at Grindr and took advantage of their new (to me) feature of being able to see the last person to view your profile. I looked to see someone breaking the curse of most white males on there...

A white European that I've fooled around with at bar backrooms quite often.

I didn't message him or so much as tap him. I just left it alone. The next day during my first full day at the hotel, the night before my birthday, I went on Grindr again. And there he was again among the faces of possible suitors. Keep in mind that I work in the West Village of Manhattan, but my hotel was in Midtown near Times Square. So for 2 days straight this guy is popping up in my Grindr feed while I'm in different parts of Manhattan.

With this, I decided to have a little fun. So I messaged him jokingly asking him if he was stalking me. He responded back with a LOL, a pic of him at the gym, and breaking the aforementioned curse by including... a dick pic. That let me know something that I was hoping for.

You see, when this guy and I fooled around in the past, we had some instances in which he was the bottom and I was the top and vice versa. So him sending me only pics of his cock made it quite clear that he was in a topping mood. At least with me that night.

So I asked him where he was. He said that he was home. Home for him was further uptown. I replied telling him that I thought he was nearby. He then offered to come over. Once I took him up on his offer, he said that he would go shower and come down and that it would probably be about 30 minutes. That worked for me. And the plan was set.

My initial plan however was to be a cumdump. Make my fantasy become reality of getting 50 loads in me for my 50th birthday. I never posted such an ad because no matter how horny I am, I need an actual connection with sex besides the feeling of a cock in my ass.  If I'm going to refuse connection to a soul, then I might as well use a dildo and lessen my risk of STIs, which I've been doing throughout this pandemic. Well, once I sealed the plans for this guy to come over, I realized that a cumdump must be very specific in choosing a hotel.

You see, the hotel elevators don't work unless you use your hotel room keycard to activate the elevator, then press your floor. So I had to come downstairs and get my playmate once he texted me that he was there. Putting on clothes, then coming down to the lobby to get their each and every next dumper is not how cumdumps work. So if I had actually tried to get gifted 50 loads for my 50th birthday, I would have been quite disappointed.

Once there, he simply sent a text saying, "Come down."

I threw on a t-shirt and jeans that I predicted would get coming off just as quick as they were put on. And I was correct. Because once in my room, he got a drink of water, sat on the bed, and as soon as I sat next to him, we started making out. We were out of our clothes and in our underwear so quick that I can't even recall the exact moment our shirts, pants, or shoes came off.

I love guys of all heights, but his over 6' tall frame was definitely what I wanted. From the moment he sent that text, his commands, dominance, then his shadow over me after our rolling around led to him putting me on my stomach to rim me then pound me epitomized the joy of being dominated that I tell in my poem "My Submission Has The Floor".

His thighs straddling me as he breathed on my ear turned me on massively since anywhere on the head is an erogenous zone for an Aries. I knew at some point one of us had to get up to get some lube. At first, I thought I had to go to the tube of Sutil Rich Glide that I sat on the nightstand in anticipation of his arrival. It turned out being that he brought his own. So he took some and put it on my asshole, then his thick uncut dick slide easily inside me. For while it had been awhile since I had a real cock in me, my rule of Lube Desire Trust Relax Breathe went through all their steps just that fast because of the delayed satisfaction of my ass's hunger for cock.

He prone boned me at first. I loved his weight, body heat, and lustful energy raining on me. That along with finally a cock in my ass again, my hand reaching back to grab his juicy booty, and my cock grinding against the sheets felt so good. Later, he did me doggy-style. Then at one point, he spooned me. That was one of the best. For he put his muscled arms around me while he thrusted into me, with one hand reaching over to fondle my cock. So I had simultaneous sensation coming at me in so many pleasing ways. For while my dick got stimulated by his fondling, my hand got stimulation from reaching back to grope his ass some more. Plus, while my ass was being stimulated by his cock, my head was stimulated by him nuzzling me as he fucked me. So I was happier than a pig in slop with all that was going on.

He came while pounding me doggy-style. I could feel his thick cock throbbing to get even thicker as his cum shot deep inside me. We ended like just before the clock on March 30th struck midnight to become my birthday, March 31st.

I don't do push-outs of my top's cum. I have no desire to imitate such idiocy from porn. I see them as a waste of cum, but more importantly a waste of my time, and money if it's porn I paid for. And because of that rule, his cum was in me for hours before I got the tingle up there to release it.

He never got to experience the quick setup for the mood that I made when I knew he was arriving. I never got to play one of my Spotify Sex playlists. Because we so immediately got to it as soon as he walked in. And I'm glad. Because as told in my poem "The Symphony from Sex", I think the best mood music during sex are the sounds of sex itself. And we made every one of them that night.

So HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY TO ME.