VERS In Action, But VERS BOTTOM At Heart

 

About 6 years ago, I wrote an article titled "I'm Versatile, But I Prefer To...". In that article I admitted that in my versatility that I prefer to bottom. My preference for bottoming has not changed, and that's fine. Or is it?

I think it is healthy to question oneself about their sexual preferences and kinks. Asking themselves  what sparked them. Especially if a role (like bottoming or topping) that you are able-bodied to do seems to be out of your reach because of a mental block. 

Such as how since that aforementioned article, I have become more confident in my topping and bottoming equally. However, even though I have topped many guys at sex parties and backrooms, my main means of luxuriating in sex is still by bottoming. So how and why do I top them?

The "how" is because as I have said often, sex is always a spiritual connection. Add that to how my confidence in bottoming and topping is growing in equality, and you have the "why". The "why" being that my versatility becomes a means to sexually join with their bodies in spite of my preferred role of bottom. And my desire to join with their bodies outdoes my desire to appease my preferred role.

This is not to say that I have no desire to top. After all, the terminology is "versatile bottom". So there are a number of guys that my initial thought is to top them. Sometimes this happens when the guy is actually a total top himself. However, I'm not going to try to persuade someone to play a role outside of their sensible proclaimed preference. So just like my poem "Top Me, Bottom" advises people to use fantasies and masturbation as the means to have a bottom become a top, I use that same means to have a top become a bottom.

There is a reason I said "sensible proclaimed preference". Primarily, it is because the preference of many non-blacks who claim to be some degree versatile. Many of them only want a Black male as their top. That is not a sensible proclaimed preference. For it is based on a limiting sexual expectation by racist white voices dominating the gay community. Using covert messaging (in mediums like porn) to say that a Black male is automatically supposed to top in an interracial encounter. I feel this has led to too high a number of my experiences as a top. For this reason, I feel I'm more open to being versatile in action and at heart in my private play. In my public play however, I remain a versatile bottom at heart. It is to give a well-deserved "Fuck you" to all the racist versatile white males and assimilating versatile males of color who think a Black male's sole sexual purpose in an interracial encounter is to use our dick as a tool of aggression. To sexualize avenging the slavery of our forefathers because of their white guilt.

Since I am so observant beforehand, I have dodged many a bullet on hooking up with such guys. However, not most, but too high a number of non-blacks that I've topped have gotten pass my observing eye. So I don't learn I'm dealing with such a guy until after the sex. Once I learn that I was dealing with that brand of a weak-minded creature, it not only puts a blemish on the memory of the joy from the encounter. The blemish on that memory quickly grows into a hole growing larger and larger as if it has been eaten by the most corrosive of acids. This thereby makes their proclaimed role of bottom with me not a sensible one since it was taught to them instead of it being their personal nature.

In spite of these negatives I am faced with, I stand firm in my self-identification. So in spite of the bottom-shaming in the gay community, both regardless of one's color/ethnicity as well as based on one's color/ethnicity, this is another facet of who I am sexually. I can top. I can bottom. But at the end of the day, the majority of my sexual desire has me wanting a sexy man's cock balls deep in my ass. Be that cock short, long, thick, or thin. The important part is us wanting each other for emotionally and mentally healthy reasons.

And yes, even a backroom tryst can share in being motivated by emotionally and mentally healthy reasons. I hope you realized me pointing out how that is possible. 😊

His Hand Was About To Get These Hands

 

As always for me, my addressing an issue at length stems from one incident being the straw that broke the camel's back after many. So the following story is from such a moment since it led to my TikTok video about unwanted touch. And the further this story goes into details, you'll see why it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I was out at the NYC gay bar, The Cock. You are allowed to strip down to your underwear on any given night, so the nudist & exhibitionist in me often takes advantage of that option. I was in the basement, and just standing there minding my business. An old white male that I have seen often, and had to swat off me often walked in my direction looking straight ahead of him. However, as he walked pass me, he grabbed my crotch. No eye contact from him beforehand to request an invitation to my body whatsoever.

Because of that lack of an invitation when he had the opportunity to request one, I immediately swatted his hand away. In response, instead of being apologetic, he in turn raised his finger to me and said, "Don't do that!"

So many words flooded my mind, but that raised finger; raised to lecture me like I was a misbehaved child stood so far out in my mind that the only words that initially came out were, "Who the fuck are you talking to??? THIS is my body! And I will do 'that'! Because I don't fuckin' want you!"

He replied, "No you won't!"

I said, "Excuse me. Try touching me again."

He said, "I will...gently."

"Try it! So I can put you the fuck out of your misery you Jabba The Hutt-lookin' mutha fucka!"

Yes, the Bed-Stuy ghetto boy came out in the Lower East Side that night.

As my voice was elevating with each syllable, I realized that one of the go-go boys and a patron tried to pull me away. Yes, you read correct. Pull me away. For it was at that point that I realized that I was actually walking towards the guy while yelling at him. Because his response of entitlement made me get more in position to see if he would actually take me up on my dare for him to touch me. A touch that would have resulted in a justified physical retaliation by me.

While I was glad for the go-go boy and patron's attempt to de-escalate the situation, I also felt there was some other reason for them intervening besides the common avoidance of a fight occurring in a bar. Then my inner-voice laid it out for me.

My conscience said, "LeNair, stand down! Think about the optics!."

My Aries rage made my response to my conscious be, "Fuck the optics! He deserves his ass whipped!...But then again, you are me. Therefore, you're smart. So maybe there's something I'm not seeing right now. But whatever it is, explain it fuckin' fast! Because this guy deserves an ass-whippin' for sho'!"

My conscience replied, "Okay. That guy looks like he's near or is collecting Social Security. And yes, you are 50. So yes, you are in the age range to justifiably beat his ass. However, as you have been told from talks with many guys in many places,...you don't look 50. To them you look late 20s - mid 30s at the oldest. So to mostly everyone within view of this confrontation, you beating on that man would look like a young punk beating up a senior citizen. And you being black and him being white makes the optics even worse. So again! LeNair, STAND! DOWN!"

To this explanation, my conscience proved to be intelligent as I figured. So I followed that voice.

There are a number of reasons this guy felt entitled to touch me and not take well to being called out on it. It could be a sense of white entitlement. It could also be the rape culture that is enabled by so many facets of the gay male community. It could also be his ethnicity-based male pride completely absent of a racist motivation, but instead an egotistical one. For I have had a number of confrontations with guys of different ethnicities that you know their aggression of that word "No!" is based in their ethnic culture of origin's idea that the male aggressor is to be submitted to by their target with no questions asked. Or it can be some combination of one or more or all of the above.

Whatever the case, it needs to stop. And it won't stop until we address it. I have said repeatedly in blog and social media posts that turning the other cheek and acting like such behavior "just comes with the territory" is why many who want to be a part of the events in such a space, and can act civilly decide to instead stay away from it.

What also is not a help is mocking me for addressing such intrusion into my personal space. From the moment I saw myself mocked by a bar patron for speaking up about unwanted touch via social media I knew that such an attitude has led to many, many, many. many unreported sexual assaults and rapes in the gay male community.

And for the record, all of the negative behaviors spoken of in this article are not unique only to The Cock. They can be found in many a gay bar and club across the globe. And that is the reason I am addressing this. We need to right this wrong. And gay media heads need to stop waiting for a cute white face that they owe a favor for a fuck to in order to address it. For their boy-toys are the kinds that give my sexual assailant the idea that he can get away with his behavior.

I want the new gays who come out to look at our community and be proud to be a part of it. The allowance, cowardice, and enabling of such behaviors makes us nothing to be proud of. In fact, they are a prime example of what prompted this Facebook post:

Let that sink in. Is this the kind of community we want to be? I know I don't. How about you? 

If You Know Your Beauty So Much, Why Are Your Actions So Ugly?

Recently I was at the New York City gay bar, The Cock. As usual there, I took advantage of their allowance to strip down to my underwear. Immediately after stripping down to the top and bottom pictured, I went to the bar to order a drink.

While waiting, it was not even 20 minutes into being stripped down before I felt a smack across my butt. The only suspect was a black male with brown dreadlocks walking pass. Obviously, a socially inept creature thinking my being in my underwear made me a free-for-all. I didn't chase after him to call him on his ignorance. I figured if he was that stupid, he would do something else in due time. If not to me, then to someone else.

Anyway, after getting my drink, I went downstairs.

Not too long after, I came back upstairs to get away and continue my drink. I was leaning against the bar, and the black guy returned. This time, he came at me and immediately started touching me as he tried talking to me. I repeatedly kept moving his hand. He acted as if I was overreacting. As he proceeded trying to talk to me, he again began reaching to touch on me while he talked. I finally told him, "Talk with your mouth. Not with your hands."

Owning my body enough to say that pissed him off. So much so, he said the stupidest thing to me.
He said, "Look. I know my beauty---"

Once I heard those words, I immediately cut him off saying, "Excuse me! With your behavior right now,...you have no beauty!"

I then sashayed away to the restroom.

I cut him off so quickly because I knew exactly where his speech of him "knowing his beauty" was born from. It was born out of what he (like many Black males, including myself) have likely encountered from all too many racist white/light-skinned males.

White boys and assimilating light-skinned boys of color who treat black males like they're too ugly to be acknowledged in a cruising spot. By acts such as:

• acting bothered by a medium to dark-complexioned Black male admiring their initial only skin-deep beauty;
• trying to literally push those black males out of the way so they can get to another white/light-skinned guy they've targeted, and/or;
• trying to steal away a white/light-skinned guy after he is already in the company of a black male.

So the problem is that as a Black man, a very aware Black man at that, I will always be the wrong audience for this guy's intended speech of him knowing his beauty.

He probably tried that speech on me because while those feelings were probably justifiably festering inside him, he was too much of a coward to say it to an actual white or light-skinned boy. Likely due to how in many such spaces, after doing some act of self-entitlement, white males will turn on their White Fragility "I'm afraid" cry to security at a venue. Fearing rightful retaliation from the Black male they slighted. Then unfairly, security will appease the white male's attitude of privilege by treating the Black person as the troublemaking party. Often without even hearing details of what led up to the conflict.

So in short, this black male's actions towards me were no better or different than any such white male. For in the end, he tried that speech on me because like those type of white/light guys, he saw me as less than. Namely, less of a threat if I get offended by his attack.

Well, this post is proof how I am actually more of a threat than those white males. For the reason such unwanted touch still goes on so frequently is because the same white/light guys this black male was afraid to ruffle the feathers of are the same ones who want to be identified as "strong adult males". Yet they sit in silence about unwanted touch. Even going as far as mocking me for talking publicly on social media about it.

Analyzing this guy's aggression in his approach to me sadly exposes why one seldom sees me play with a black male at racially diverse events.

It's because many (not all) of the black males I encounter at more racially diverse events assimilate what I call, "the gorilla nigger" aggression of the typical black porn actor in an interracial scene. They feel this is how to get the indoctrinated prize of a white/light guy as your sex partner. More specifically, as your white/light-skinned bottom. And this does work for some. However, it usually ends up that the black top is treated as a disposable entity. Very much like the black tops are treated in porn.

And speaking of porn, the ignorance in following that is because your typical gay porn actor is a prostitute. I know we are in this age of not shaming sex workers, but this aspect here deserves it. For that prostitution mindset allows these white/light-skinned porn actors to have sex with a black with money, and not genuine attraction as the sole motivation. This includes for their OnlyFans, JustForFans, 4MyFans, etc. accounts as well. For sometimes they hook-up with a black male simply as a means to dodge being accused of racism. Like the many scumbag white/light-skinned models who treat their 1st (or any)time of taking on a black cock to be deserving of a badge of honor.

 
This following of porn-endorsed archetypes is why many black males in multi-colored environments fail the black male community, but even more so, themselves. Such as the black male who stepped to me that night. With his biggest mistake being like most such black males...He never turned that porn-endorsed aggression off when approaching a Black male. He forgot how unnecessary (and for me, downright unappealing) that role is.

For that reason, he loss any chance he had with me. And he will continue to lose whenever he tries stepping to someone of any color self-aware and self-assured as I have now become.

  
Don't get me wrong. As a result of overcoming my years ago self-proclaimed racism towards other Black males because of trauma, I do find some Black males who are sexy as fuck just like every other color/ethnicity. However, I usually find them at all-Black events. The problem there is that in being a proud American, I am very loving of the melting pot that is America. Reveling in the great sexual beauty of all of those colors coming together. So any environment that is all black, all white, or any single color in between, I don't like being in for long. Add to that my being a proud and real New York City native, I am even more so appreciative, craving, and respecting of that melting pot and its sexual beauty.

Now, if I could find more Black men unlike that guy in those multi-colored environments, instances such as the one I told about here would happen a lot less. For within a week's time, this was not the only such incident with a black male in a racially diverse environment. In fact, it was the 2nd of 3 within a week.

So yes, sadly I must report that this is a real problem. One in which many black males in racially diverse spaces need to do better for me to address them as Black men. 

What's In My Sex Party/Backroom Pouch?

 

If you've ever seen me at either a sex party, or bar event with a backroom, then you may have noticed me wearing a pouch on my belt, or one gartered around my thigh. If so, you might have wondered what's inside that pouch. Well, if you've been either my playmate, or a voyeur watching closely, then you already know the answer....

It's mainly condoms and lube.

If you have ventured to such play spaces, then you have definitely been ear witness to some guy saying, "Anybody got any lube?", or unless it's a bareback sex party, "Anybody got a condom?"

With such being the case, and me coming well-prepared (therefore supplied), you would think that I would be the 1st to offer lube, and/or a condom. Well, as much as I try to spread messages leading to great sexual health, guys making a request for condoms and/or lube can go fend for themselves. There are a number of instances leading up to this position on the matter, but hindsight on one in particular is what led the charge.

Some years ago, I was go-go dancing at a Daniel Nardicio party. I witnessed the usual greeting amongst the go-go boys between both, those who did and those who did not know each other. All of them were either white or light-skinned Latino. No matter how shy the other seemed, someone made the 1st move to either greet or introduce themselves to somebody. To every somebody except for me, the only Black go-go boy.

Later on in the night, this muscled up blond and a brown-haired twink were hooking up in the changing area. The blond asked, "Anybody got a condom?"

Being the enabler of everyone practicing safer sex that I was back then, I went into my bag and got him one. I was not turned on by the sex at all. After all, what was there to be turned on by? It was 2 dismissive white boys fucking, while I'm a self-assured Black man whose was then (and now) aware that their dismissiveness of just my presence was a product of their own insecurity. You can look at many a gay porn to see that via its producers and performers. But at the moment, I took pride in helping them have safer sex, and let that override all else.

However, as time went on, and hindsight being 20/20, I realized that I wasted a condom on walking waste products. So I needed to rethink my credo of being Mr. Helpful.

For what they did is no different than what most twinky to muscular white boys, light Latinos, and buffed, big dicked black guys, (in short, porn's idea of beautiful) do all the time at sex parties and backrooms to this very day. They come to the space, even if there are condoms and lube available in the space for them to grab themselves, looking to who is considered "undesirable" to provide them with those condoms and lube. Because as far as they're concerned, the "undesirables" can't get any sex themselves, and desperately need to live vicariously through them, so those "undesirables" will provide whatever the "pretty people" need to fuck.

Before someone tries going there, let me assure you that this is not about envy of how they got some and I didn't. While I am always horny, I have a work ethnic even at a sexual nightlife event. And that work ethic makes my getting laid not be a priority. Nor do I envy someone who gets an opportunity to get laid, and takes it. If it interferes with with their job of being eye candy interacting with the patrons, I'm disappointed in them, but I'm never envious.

And why would I be envious? Besides my past in porn, and waaaay more relevant are my written and unwritten sexual escapades that at least on my end, were done based on a premise other than "Ooh! He's hot!". And at a number that if my gay-fucking was ever put on trial, you would find a courtroom full of subpoenaed witnesses.

So while it's more about quality not quantity, what I take umbrage with is that in these guys' racist eyes, I was seen as one of those "undesirables". "Undesirable" to the point that not only was I deemed un-fuckable, but even worse, unworthy of acknowledging my presence in the vernacular of being work colleagues for that night. The asking for a condom and willfully grabbing it from me of all people showed these white boys to be no better than the black bums I see on the street. Black bums who when they had some money, would always ask me if I was Black American because they thought I was foreign-born, but now that they have nothing, and want some of what I have, I've suddenly become "Brother".

So after enduring so many instances like this, and ending up often getting condoms and samples of lube, I bring my own tools now. And those tools are only for me and my playmate.

I started putting them in such a pouch because I didn't want to be those guys I mentioned before, whose type are still too aplenty today. I didn't want to be one of those guys relying on others who I think are less attractive to do for me what I, as a real man, should be doing for myself. All because I think "I'm pretty, so they should serve me". That's how I would roll if I believed some of the hype about me. So it is how I could roll. However, it's not how anyone should roll.

Now, if the guy is not my potential playmate, he has 1 of 4 choices standing near me:

1. take his chances fucking raw and get an STI, or HIV if they're not on PrEP. As I stated in a post for Thotyssey, there's no shame in getting an STI or HIV. But this outcome is a good comeuppance if their "pretty-boy" laziness makes them squeamish by being still uneducated about HIV/STIs;
2. stop what they're doing to get one of the condoms and/or lube provided by the space;
3. wait for someone who does see themselves as "undesirable", so they do want to live their sex lives through those "pretty people", or;
4. use spit, which actually is not good to do because it is water, which easily absorbs back into the body. Hence why most if not all guys who use spit as lube slowly, but surely kill their brain cells by also using poppers.

That's why I take that pouch with me every time I know I'm going to a sex party, or somewhere with a backroom. Because if I ever forget, those options will then become my options. And I did have one instance in which I was faced with that. To prove again that I practice what I preach, let me reveal that I chose Choice 2. And sometimes, even with my pouch on me, I've done Choice 4 because I was so into the guy. But since I stand firm in my anti-poppers stance, I do eventually stop, and get the lube.

So as most everything  has a backstory, a simple pouch attached to me at sex parties and backrooms is no different. So if and when you see it, you know what it is, what's in it, what sparked its getting there, and what you have to be to me in order to partake of it.😉

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I Said I Was A Sex Blogger, And He Ran Like A L'il Biatch!

 I was standing in front of the DJ booth. In this deep dark, I felt myself being watched. So then I had to figure out by whom. It turned out being a tall, slim, dark-haired white guy at a diagonal to my right. We slowly started exchanging glances. As this continued, 2 others guys came on each side of me, closing me in, which I hate. So I moved over to stand against the wall to the right of the DJ booth, which actually put me still at a diagonal behind the guy, but a very slight one. He turned, and the exchange of glances continued. He then proceeded to stand against the wall next to me, but still not saying a word.

This made me think back to my playmate from "French Kiss, Big Bliss". Introducing himself to me by saying, "Either we can keep looking at each other, or one of us can say 'Hello'." So instead of us continuing to gawk at each other, even with him standing next to me against the wall, I initiated conversation by saying hello.

We exchanged names. His name was Robert. He was White American, but born in Spain. Well, whatever the case, he definitely adopted the too typical American attitude towards sexuality that I've encountered.

For during our conversation, we talked about what we do for a living. He's an actor. As for his liking what I do, he was okay with me saying that I worked in a sex shop as my day job. However, when I added that my side job is that of a sex blogger, Robert did the oldest escape line in the book by saying, "I'm going to go use the restroom." Then added to show the finality of how this was a move to escape, "It was nice talking to you."

This is not the 1st time a guy has turned tail and ran when I tell them I'm a sex blogger. It has happened enough times that as with all such blog posts, I'm forced to make it public knowledge because it is indicative of a greater problem in the American gay community. And I must say American, because that is who this has most often happened with. With European suitors, along with the initial fascination most Americans give, they've also at least allowed me to say the truth of how I practice discretion. They at least allow that much to be said. Hence why I'm still in touch with my playmates from my years old blog posts, "Sexy Sweet Swedes" and the aforementioned "French Kiss, Big Bliss".

As my most loyal readers have seen, I don't put you on blast by name unless you have wronged me.

With that I'm sure some of you are asking: How did Robert wrong me? He did so by wasting my time. For so many gay males give off this idea that since we're out and proud gays, we don't have to abide by the sexually oppressive norms of the hetero-normative. Well, if you are a gay person with an issue with talking about sex, then you're a hypocrite to that bullshit hype about all gay males. A hypocritical hype often found with American gay males. Hence why in a sexually permissive space, a visiting European is often underwhelmed. Since they are not above lowering themselves to the colorism and racism I often write about, I have found myself passed over for a white/light American. But you can see they were just settling for the optics. For they later come back around trying to get me. Due to finding the sexual energy of who they settled for disappointing.

If you want to know what exactly I write about with sexuality, then simply ASK. One can very simply ask me questions like:

• Do I write about sex in general, and/or do I talk about my own sexual experiences?
• And if I do the latter, how discreet am I?

2 simple questions I could very simply gave the answers to with the evidence being throughout this blog in posts telling of my sexscapades. Unfortunately, members of this Grindr generation (like Robert) are too socially inept to communicate in one-on-one conversations. So they are totally oblivious about asking any simple question(s) that can put their mind at ease on a matter. 

I'm sure some of you are quick to say that not everyone wants to be written about. I am totally aware of that. Hence why with my 1st Amendment right to freedom of speech, I use discretion. However, with that discretion, if you've done nothing to be ashamed of, then you should have no problem knowing that such a tale of your sexual prowess (or lack thereof) is out there. Those who have allowed shame by activity, ethnic, religious, and workplace cultures, etc. to impose upon their pride in their sexual behavior are those most uncomfortable about such tales.

Being insightful, I can very easily surmise as to what some guy's apprehensions are. They feel my being a sex blogger means:

• I'm studying them. Well, isn't that what anyone is supposed to do when they meet someone? You should be getting studied by the person you meet even if they are a mortician. So my being a sex blogger should not make a difference. The insecurity that males try to hide just makes them more aware of it. For they believe;
• I'll be more critical of their sex skills. This is a threat to the typical male because as I have said in a post for Thotyssey NYC, we males are taught to think we're all-knowing when it comes to sex. So being in the presence of a sex blogger threatens a blow of that cover. Exposing how much males are not omniscient about sex as they pretend they are. Well, truth be told, if the guy possess such unfounded arrogance, blowing that cover is what he deserves. Otherwise, if I'm unsatisfied, I would do as I advised in that Thotyssey article, and honestly and respectfully communicate my dissatisfaction.
• I'm going to without a doubt write about the encounter. At one time, that might have been the case. Because contrary to what many believe, I don't have sex as often as people think. So each sexual encounter was  a celebration simply because it happened. Especially after my late coming out. Now however, with my maturity, I've made the rule to write about the encounter when the sexual experience has actually taught me something. Knowledge to pass on to you, my readers. And since I don't have sex that often, and am sober when I do it, it makes the details to pass on that knowledge easier to remember. With that being the case, sexual encounters that are all about pleasure may or may not be spoken of in articles. And if they are, as long as I'm practicing the aforementioned discretion, there should be no need for worry.
• they are actually doing something shameful and fear exposure for it. Such as those who fetishize one because of their color, ethnicity, age, religion, etc.; or those leading double lives because living their truth would be hurtful to the ones they have never lived their truth with from the start. And if you are doing such shameful things, you are concerned about being exposed to the public for it. Well, there's an easy solution to avoid being called out for those things, be it by a sex blogger (like myself), or a random person you crossed needing to vent on social media...
  
  DON'T DO THE STUPID SHIT THAT MAKES YOU DESERVE BEING CALLED OUT FOR!!!

The problem is that all of these are based in guilt and shame about their sexual behavior. The first 3 bullet points though might very well be for no good reason. As some of that sexual behavior that guys are feeling guilt and shame over is simply them being gay. Hence those who drink to the point of drunkenness even when they don't even plan to so much as kiss a guy. They want to numb themselves to their action as a gay male.

This leads to another wrong of Robert. His alcohol consumption for liquid courage. Many, too many a gay males are okay with this. Completely ignoring the fact that using liquid courage to express any part of yourself, especially your sexual self is not a man.

And liquid courage is why Robert  tried coming back to me. Yes, you read correct. He was fooling around with someone else. I was standing nearby by paying him no mind. Then I saw a hand reach out for me, and it turned out being Robert. In response, I swatted his hand away and my inside voice made its way outside for me to say "Alcoholic faggot!"

He evidently heard me, and tried growing a pair of balls with his tone by saying, "Excuse me?!"

I leaned forward to give him a closer look in the eye and responded, "I said 'alcoholic faggot!'", and then walked away.

Don't try showing me the pair of balls that grew from being tiny seeds on you only because you poured liquid courage into them. Because I will get a sadistic joy from embarrassing you for it taking liquid courage for you to seemingly grow a pair.

I make no apologies for what I said either. For we, the American gay male community have too many "Roberts" among us. So while "faggot" might be an ugly word to use, as I said before, needing alcohol to be the sexual self you want to be is not a man. Thereby making it ugly behavior. And someone needs to call all such people out on that ugliness. The reason it took me so long to come out was because I did not want to claim I "needed" substances in my body that morph my judgment in order to be the sexual being I want to be.

So in short, this behavior by Robert, and there being so many versions of him among us shows that we need to do better for ourselves. Doing so will hopefully cause a chain. One in which doing more right to ourselves will lead to us doing more right to others.

My Birthday Sex! A Black Guy Bottoms...Via Grindr???

When my birthday came around last year, like many because of the pandemic, I couldn't make any birthday plans. That included the inability to have a hook-up for birthday sex. Especially since my birthday was exactly 2 weeks after COVID-19 was declared a pandemic. Well this year, with restrictions easing up, I decided to do my damnedest to not let that happen in 2021 as well. 

So I planned a hotel staycation, with the hopes of getting lucky. For this, with much hesitation, I reinstalled the hook-up app, Grindr on my phone.

The hesitation was because in addition to apps like Grindr enabling people's social ineptitude in securing a worthwhile partner (for life or one night) and the app's racist monitors, I recently turned 50. So I knew I wouldn't likely get a lot of hits to my liking. Because in addition to my age (and envy over how good I look for my age), there is also my skin color, and what I'm seen as because of my skin color. 

Quite often when you go on Grindr, Tinder, and the like, the color make-up of the faces you see is usually white/light-complexioned with a few specs of medium to dark-skinned people.

With gay apps, IF one of those mostly white/light-complexioned guys hit up a medium to dark-complexioned black male (like myself), the white/light guy 90+% of the time follows the porn-indoctrinated racist idea of seeking the disrespectful term of "BBC". Because that supposedly makes a black male the vengeance-seeking aggressive top that he's "supposed to be" on white/light bodies.

It's such a disgusting and constantly witnessed routine that it provoked my quick dismissal of a white/light-skinned gymrat who hit me up with no face pic in their profile, as shown in the screenshot below:

Well, I was wanting to sexually celebrate turning 50 and fabulous as a bottom. Especially since I had not bottomed for a actual dick since early to mid-August. That means about 7 1/2 months of my hole being denied the pleasure of being filled with a real cock, and not a dildo like you may have seen in my videos during those months. So this guy with his racist ass-umption was not going to do it for me.

The day before my hotel check-in, while at work, I looked at Grindr and took advantage of their new (to me) feature of being able to see the last person to view your profile. I looked to see someone breaking the curse of most white males on there...

A white European that I've fooled around with at bar backrooms quite often.

I didn't message him or so much as tap him. I just left it alone. The next day during my first full day at the hotel, the night before my birthday, I went on Grindr again. And there he was again among the faces of possible suitors. Keep in mind that I work in the West Village of Manhattan, but my hotel was in Midtown near Times Square. So for 2 days straight this guy is popping up in my Grindr feed while I'm in different parts of Manhattan.

With this, I decided to have a little fun. So I messaged him jokingly asking him if he was stalking me. He responded back with a LOL, a pic of him at the gym, and breaking the aforementioned curse by including... a dick pic. That let me know something that I was hoping for.

You see, when this guy and I fooled around in the past, we had some instances in which he was the bottom and I was the top and vice versa. So him sending me only pics of his cock made it quite clear that he was in a topping mood. At least with me that night.

So I asked him where he was. He said that he was home. Home for him was further uptown. I replied telling him that I thought he was nearby. He then offered to come over. Once I took him up on his offer, he said that he would go shower and come down and that it would probably be about 30 minutes. That worked for me. And the plan was set.

My initial plan however was to be a cumdump. Make my fantasy become reality of getting 50 loads in me for my 50th birthday. I never posted such an ad because no matter how horny I am, I need an actual connection with sex besides the feeling of a cock in my ass.  If I'm going to refuse connection to a soul, then I might as well use a dildo and lessen my risk of STIs, which I've been doing throughout this pandemic. Well, once I sealed the plans for this guy to come over, I realized that a cumdump must be very specific in choosing a hotel.

You see, the hotel elevators don't work unless you use your hotel room keycard to activate the elevator, then press your floor. So I had to come downstairs and get my playmate once he texted me that he was there. Putting on clothes, then coming down to the lobby to get their each and every next dumper is not how cumdumps work. So if I had actually tried to get gifted 50 loads for my 50th birthday, I would have been quite disappointed.

Once there, he simply sent a text saying, "Come down."

I threw on a t-shirt and jeans that I predicted would get coming off just as quick as they were put on. And I was correct. Because once in my room, he got a drink of water, sat on the bed, and as soon as I sat next to him, we started making out. We were out of our clothes and in our underwear so quick that I can't even recall the exact moment our shirts, pants, or shoes came off.

I love guys of all heights, but his over 6' tall frame was definitely what I wanted. From the moment he sent that text, his commands, dominance, then his shadow over me after our rolling around led to him putting me on my stomach to rim me then pound me epitomized the joy of being dominated that I tell in my poem "My Submission Has The Floor".

His thighs straddling me as he breathed on my ear turned me on massively since anywhere on the head is an erogenous zone for an Aries. I knew at some point one of us had to get up to get some lube. At first, I thought I had to go to the tube of Sutil Rich Glide that I sat on the nightstand in anticipation of his arrival. It turned out being that he brought his own. So he took some and put it on my asshole, then his thick uncut dick slide easily inside me. For while it had been awhile since I had a real cock in me, my rule of Lube Desire Trust Relax Breathe went through all their steps just that fast because of the delayed satisfaction of my ass's hunger for cock.

He prone boned me at first. I loved his weight, body heat, and lustful energy raining on me. That along with finally a cock in my ass again, my hand reaching back to grab his juicy booty, and my cock grinding against the sheets felt so good. Later, he did me doggy-style. Then at one point, he spooned me. That was one of the best. For he put his muscled arms around me while he thrusted into me, with one hand reaching over to fondle my cock. So I had simultaneous sensation coming at me in so many pleasing ways. For while my dick got stimulated by his fondling, my hand got stimulation from reaching back to grope his ass some more. Plus, while my ass was being stimulated by his cock, my head was stimulated by him nuzzling me as he fucked me. So I was happier than a pig in slop with all that was going on.

He came while pounding me doggy-style. I could feel his thick cock throbbing to get even thicker as his cum shot deep inside me. We ended like just before the clock on March 30th struck midnight to become my birthday, March 31st.

I don't do push-outs of my top's cum. I have no desire to imitate such idiocy from porn. I see them as a waste of cum, but more importantly a waste of my time, and money if it's porn I paid for. And because of that rule, his cum was in me for hours before I got the tingle up there to release it.

He never got to experience the quick setup for the mood that I made when I knew he was arriving. I never got to play one of my Spotify Sex playlists. Because we so immediately got to it as soon as he walked in. And I'm glad. Because as told in my poem "The Symphony from Sex", I think the best mood music during sex are the sounds of sex itself. And we made every one of them that night.

So HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY TO ME.