The Color Heckling Us For Making Out Outside The C*ck

Recently, I went to the NYC gay bar, The Cock. I met a guy there with whom I made out with inside the bar, and we liked each other so much that we considered upping the ante by taking it to where he was staying. 

Before I continue, the following about myself will become necessary immediately after.

My brain is always multi-tasking. Even when I am with someone. To be more exact of how that works, my conscious mind is focused on my partner, while my subconscious is taking note of all of the things notable by the 5 senses unrelated to my partner. With that, my subconscious doesn't interrupt the conscious mind unless it has taking note that the initially thought to be unrelated to my time with my partner is evolving into a possible danger we need to avoid.

My subconscious working this way is actually how I get a lot of my knowledge of behavior in sexual spaces even while I am in the midst of having some sexy fun myself. Behaviors that are both directed at me, and at others. After my partner and I have parted ways, I recall and process all of the details of what happened around us. So with hindsight being 20/20, that is why recollection of those behaviors are so often seconded by one or more readers.

So what does that have to do with my make out session and the title?

During one of our instances of making out, I was grazing against the solid gate of the establishment next door to the bar as he kissed me. In the background, I heard a bunch of frat-boy loud-mouths approaching. I'm sure they were coming from the $1 pizza place one block south of The Cock. My playmate and I continued kissing.

Then all of the sudden, I heard this male chorus of voices yelling "Ill!!!" and "Ewwww!"

While my initial thought was to ignore them, just as a precaution, my subconscious mind put it to the forefront of my mind to only take note of their actions just in case I needed to defend myself and/or my playmate. As my playmate did turn around to look at them. I tried to bring his attention back to me. Urging him to follow my lead by telling him, "I only acknowledge relevant people. Not irrelevant people, like them."

After they kept on their way, he continued trying to convince me to come back to where he was staying. We already exchanged numbers. So doing it another time was definitely possible. However, he finally broke me, and I agreed to go with him.

Back to the crowd of hecklers.  I immediately noticed that this horde of guys were mostly (if not all) white.

This triggered a floodgate of racist propaganda and double standards I have witnessed over the years. Such as how the racism of mainstream media, especially gay media has long put out this narrative about the existence of "black homophobia". A means to portray Blacks as unevolved when it comes to the acceptance of LGBTQ+ people. It is a narrative still being put forth today. And while there may be some truth to that, this instance solidifies how I have long known that such homophobia still exists among white/light-skinned males. However, it is not given the same degree of punishment by the masses.

What allows this fakery of presenting whites as being more evolved is a major negative of white culture - the monetizing of every thing possible. In this case, that is one's sexual orientation. For porn producers have long given whites and light people of color a means to turn a huge profit as they internalize their homophobia and/or use money as an excuse to display a side of their sexual selves they don't want to openly admit to. Hence the idea of "sexuality is fluid" instead of someone owning how their action show them to be some kind of  bisexual.

Mainstream Hollywood is also guilty of making whites seem more evolved in this area by offering gay roles to way more straight white males than Black actors. So what makes "black homophobia" so much more prevalent is because in a racist and capitalism-driven nation like the United States, blacks are not given the same means to mask their homophobia. And if they are, it is nowhere near in the same economic range as white/light-skinned people.

This leads me to pause before someone tries to say that black males do gay-for-pay as well. To which I say that due to my disgusting recollection of doing a scene with such a black gay-for-pay porn actor, Double R, I am well aware of that being true. However, it is white males heading the porn companies and websites hiring these guys of all colors who falsely define as "straight". Giving them a playground for this dysfunction. A dysfunction that as I proved in an article from over a decade ago can have harmful consequences.

T prove my point of white males giving these self-destructive playgrounds, note this list of ethnic porn companies (past and present) that have hired gay-for-pay porn actors of color are:

Big City Video
Pitbull Productions (my scene with a scene partner who was gay-for-pay was with them) 
FlavaWorks
Original Latino Fan Club

What do they all have in common?...THEY ARE ALL HEADED BY WHITE MALES. And paying the performers far less than the more white-starring porn companies.

The bottom line is that if one heckling for being true to myself can incite so many negative memories from within a community that I am supposed to be considered a part of, then it totally justifies feeling that the gay community is not a community. Such an ongoing history is why when LGBTQ+ Pride comes around, my celebrations are about pride in myself. Not us as a community. For as long as these racist propagandas and double standards continue, the idea of community is just that - an idea.

To be more exact, a façade.

Denied Self Becomes Violent Self

Originally posted on "Tre's X-Ray Vision" on February 7, 2008

While I have definitely had my say regarding my disdain for "gay-for-pay" actors, a news item that had been brought to my attention thanks to Men Of Color Blog back in 2008 brought forth another reason to light as why studios should stay away from these guys.

I have admitted to being a fan of his, even considered him as a possible scene partner knowing he was "gay-for-pay", but when I heard that Nickolay Petrov was being charge with attempted murder, I started to realize that there seems to be a trend going on here. It seems that every gay porn actor that makes the headlines because of some act of violence is a "gay-for-pay" actor. Look at the other people I can use as evidence - Marcus Allen, Mark Dalton, and one of my very own past scene partners, Double R (from what I've heard) is in trouble with the law in a way that could put him away for a long time.

Now, I am in no way about imply that truly gay men don't have a violent streak. But you have to wonder, does the fact that these "gay-for-pay" actors denying their true selves contribute to the violent acts there are accused of. Are they taking violence as a way to show the manhood they fear losing if they admit that they're gay or bisexual? Or is the violence against someone else actually them using their victim(s) as a punching bag for how much they want to hit themselves for lying to themselves and the women in their lives about their sexual orientation?

I'm sure that is the reason for that violent streak because, I was once there myself. I admit to having a terrible temper, but before my realizing my sexual orientation and embracing it, I had a lot less control over it. In fact, I left my last job out of fear that my temper was going to get out of control, and I would become another news story of a disgruntled employee. Even though, I have a great deal to be angry with my present employers over that could put me in that same state of mind, since my sexual awakening, the thoughts to resort to a horrific degree of violence are under control. Why? Because my anger towards my former employers compounded with my anger towards myself for lying about who I really am gave me a need to release that self-inflicted inner-rage. Now, even though my present employers are assholes inept at being humane, with the anger gone due to my resolving the issue of my sexual orientation, my anger towards them is strictly towards them. And I never get angry enough towards them that it blinds me to the fact that no employer is worth me risking my life as a free member of society.

It has been theorized that gay-bashers attack gays out of self-loathing they feel because gays live the sex lives the gay-bashers have thought about even for a flash at one point or another, but feel guilty because of the environments the gay-bashers were raised in. And these "gay-for-pay" actors committing these acts of violence may be even worse, because compared to gay-bashers who usually attack total strangers, more of these "gay-for-pay" actors are attacking people who are a part of their life, be it business or personal. With that in mind, I believe that it is safe for me personally to theorize that their victim becomes a target when they in some way remind the "gay-for-pay" actor of his gay acts that he tries to bury because he's not on a gay porn set at that time.

Once again, I must address this to the studios hiring these guys, who as it seems that because of their denial of themselves are more capable of these violent acts than your already out and proud gay/bi man. Because of this potential for violence due to self-loathing, these guys are a risk to the image you should want to present. I am not saying that a truly gay/bi man is not capable of the same degree of violence, but when you are knowingly bring someone in denial of themselves into the fold, you create an almost 100% risk to creating a mentally unsafe environment for your truly gay actors. Remember my incident with Double R? These "gay-for-pay" guys bring their uneasy vibe from their self-denial with them, and since producers and directors aren't the ones topping or (even more uneasy) being a bottom with these guys, you don't know of what us actors have to mentally put ourselves through to deal with these guys. What would be even worse though would be if you didn't care.

At this point, I do not totally fault the porn studios for hiring these guys. There is a fascination with them as to how they call themselves straight yet fuck men. But now that I have presented this reality to myself, and passed it on to you, I hope this fascination is over for you as it is now over for me. With that being said, should this "gay-for-pay" trend continue, I will begin to hold studios responsible. These are obviously unstable people, more unstable than most, and allowing them into the fold of gay porn to deal with the demands of it will only increase their instability.