Porn-Induced PTSD

Back in 2016, I posted on Facebook about an incident that occurred The Cock's underwear party, Playpen, in which a guy from my past invaded my personal space. As I was writing about that incident, I realized that while being angry about someone invading your personal space is a natural and justified response, I saw myself get on the verge of violence. And it's not the 1st time that violent urge has occurred as an instantaneous response. Luckily for me, having outlets like my drawing and writing have been my therapy to hold the monster back.

This initial violent urge started after I retired from doing gay porn. Don't get me wrong. I have always been protective of my personal space, as everyone should be. However, my 1st response would be to instinctively yell at my violator. Much like a dog barks at a violator to warn them to not proceed with that violation, for an attack with violence will be the next action. The problem is after I retired from porn, I see now that my initial reaction to violations of my personal space has me having to force myself to do the instinctive yell. For my more instinctive initial reaction is to get violent to protect my personal space. Realizing that let me know something is wrong. So now I had to figure out what exactly is wrong.

What I have concluded is that it's some kind of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) brought on by my time in porn. And if you are a gay male, and this claim seems odd to you, then it's a hideous sign of how we as gay males are taught to have no boundaries for who we let touch our bodies, unless based on superficial credentials. Such as skin color and financial standing.

As gay males, we are led by many to allow any- and everybody to touch us. It started from the high number of gay youths who had to turn to prostitution after being thrown out of their homes by hypocritical Jesus freak parents/guardians. So it was a means of survival. For them. The problem now is that the chain of abuse has been put in play. For older gay males are prostitutes' primary clientele. So they teach the newly out gays that letting yourself be touched, no matter how disgusted you are by the person is how you survive. It's how you get ahead.

This is especially true in gay nightlife. Even more so if they're willing to tip. You are to let it be a stroke to your ego, because such appreciation for your beauty won't last forever. Well, I'm 45 and patrons still try stroking my ego - so so much for that theory.

Now, for those times that a patron is a cheap piece of shit who cops a feel without tipping, you're allowed your human nature to be annoyed by that patron feeling entitled to your body just because you're scantily clad. However, the desired reaction from you by most patrons, party promoters, and venue owners is to suck it up to avoid making a scene. And in the gay community, since the worlds of nightlife often lead to gay porn that set of rules follow. Rules that I myself allowed.

For when I was in porn, I would go out and be a lot more permissive of guys touching me, even if I didn't want them to. It was a means to sell a love for the porn persona.

Now, with me no longer needing to sell that image, my body is 100% MINE. I can be out and about in my undies or naked at an underwear or nude party, and feel no obligation to be touched if I don't want to. And my being in my underwear or naked entitles no one to put their hands on my body without an invitation from me via eye contact or verbal means.

I've long realized that the porn industry as a whole gives a false sense to performers that they own their own bodies. Unfortunately, the fact is it's the studio you're an exclusive for that owns your body. If you're not a studio exclusive, like I never was, then that ownership of your body is being passed along like a baton in a relay race. So regardless as to whether you are a studio exclusive or not, your body is never yours. And it will never be yours again until you leave the industry. This realization is what gave birth to my poem, "Boss of My Body".


This aftermath of being in porn further proves why I'm right to advise guys to not get in it. It's an ongoing process of no longer living that life. Maybe I would have less of these conflicts with guys invading my personal space if I wasn't an exhibitionist. However, that doesn't diminish the fact that I have a right to be an exhibitionist in an allowing space. It doesn't diminish the fact that "No" means NO the 1st time. Nor does it exonerate the guys who invade my personal space from deserving shame for their blatant social ineptitude that makes them disregard my saying "NO".

Violence as punishment is something I hope to continue to avoid. I have used various art forms as therapy to avoid it thus far, and I plan on continuing to do so.

With that said, I do feel for those past and present in the porn industry who are suffering from that stress, or will be in the future. For the lights of their porn-stardom will fade on them at some point. Either by their own choice, and/or by an undesired exile by the industry's ongoing desire to prey upon the desperation for validation and naivete in newer and younger models. Thereby, kicking out who they feel is old and overexposed.

So I wonder, will they mature as I have? Will they realize that there is a problem? If so, do they have the means to get those feelings out like I do? Or will it eat them up inside, and cause them to act out? Or will they do as most (if not all) present porn directors who used to be porn actors?...Start their own porn company with the same rules they were taught, thereby leading the chain of porn-induced PTSD to continue.

For some, these questions have already been answered. For others, all we can do is wait, and hope for the best. Unfortunately, as long as the industry continues to endorse prostitutes and gay-for-pay bitches in denial before exhibitionists, it's sad to say that we must expect the worst, while hoping for the best.

My Birthday Sex! A Black Guy Bottoms...Via Grindr???

When my birthday came around last year, like many because of the pandemic, I couldn't make any birthday plans. That included the inability to have a hook-up for birthday sex. Especially since my birthday was exactly 2 weeks after COVID-19 was declared a pandemic. Well this year, with restrictions easing up, I decided to do my damnedest to not let that happen in 2021 as well. 

So I planned a hotel staycation, with the hopes of getting lucky. For this, with much hesitation, I reinstalled the hook-up app, Grindr on my phone.

The hesitation was because in addition to apps like Grindr enabling people's social ineptitude in securing a worthwhile partner (for life or one night) and the app's racist monitors, I recently turned 50. So I knew I wouldn't likely get a lot of hits to my liking. Because in addition to my age (and envy over how good I look for my age), there is also my skin color, and what I'm seen as because of my skin color. 

Quite often when you go on Grindr, Tinder, and the like, the color make-up of the faces you see is usually white/light-complexioned with a few specs of medium to dark-skinned people.

With gay apps, IF one of those mostly white/light-complexioned guys hit up a medium to dark-complexioned black male (like myself), the white/light guy 90+% of the time follows the porn-indoctrinated racist idea of seeking the disrespectful term of "BBC". Because that supposedly makes a black male the vengeance-seeking aggressive top that he's "supposed to be" on white/light bodies.

It's such a disgusting and constantly witnessed routine that it provoked my quick dismissal of a white/light-skinned gymrat who hit me up with no face pic in their profile, as shown in the screenshot below:

Well, I was wanting to sexually celebrate turning 50 and fabulous as a bottom. Especially since I had not bottomed for a actual dick since early to mid-August. That means about 7 1/2 months of my hole being denied the pleasure of being filled with a real cock, and not a dildo like you may have seen in my videos during those months. So this guy with his racist ass-umption was not going to do it for me.

The day before my hotel check-in, while at work, I looked at Grindr and took advantage of their new (to me) feature of being able to see the last person to view your profile. I looked to see someone breaking the curse of most white males on there...

A white European that I've fooled around with at bar backrooms quite often.

I didn't message him or so much as tap him. I just left it alone. The next day during my first full day at the hotel, the night before my birthday, I went on Grindr again. And there he was again among the faces of possible suitors. Keep in mind that I work in the West Village of Manhattan, but my hotel was in Midtown near Times Square. So for 2 days straight this guy is popping up in my Grindr feed while I'm in different parts of Manhattan.

With this, I decided to have a little fun. So I messaged him jokingly asking him if he was stalking me. He responded back with a LOL, a pic of him at the gym, and breaking the aforementioned curse by including... a dick pic. That let me know something that I was hoping for.

You see, when this guy and I fooled around in the past, we had some instances in which he was the bottom and I was the top and vice versa. So him sending me only pics of his cock made it quite clear that he was in a topping mood. At least with me that night.

So I asked him where he was. He said that he was home. Home for him was further uptown. I replied telling him that I thought he was nearby. He then offered to come over. Once I took him up on his offer, he said that he would go shower and come down and that it would probably be about 30 minutes. That worked for me. And the plan was set.

My initial plan however was to be a cumdump. Make my fantasy become reality of getting 50 loads in me for my 50th birthday. I never posted such an ad because no matter how horny I am, I need an actual connection with sex besides the feeling of a cock in my ass.  If I'm going to refuse connection to a soul, then I might as well use a dildo and lessen my risk of STIs, which I've been doing throughout this pandemic. Well, once I sealed the plans for this guy to come over, I realized that a cumdump must be very specific in choosing a hotel.

You see, the hotel elevators don't work unless you use your hotel room keycard to activate the elevator, then press your floor. So I had to come downstairs and get my playmate once he texted me that he was there. Putting on clothes, then coming down to the lobby to get their each and every next dumper is not how cumdumps work. So if I had actually tried to get gifted 50 loads for my 50th birthday, I would have been quite disappointed.

Once there, he simply sent a text saying, "Come down."

I threw on a t-shirt and jeans that I predicted would get coming off just as quick as they were put on. And I was correct. Because once in my room, he got a drink of water, sat on the bed, and as soon as I sat next to him, we started making out. We were out of our clothes and in our underwear so quick that I can't even recall the exact moment our shirts, pants, or shoes came off.

I love guys of all heights, but his over 6' tall frame was definitely what I wanted. From the moment he sent that text, his commands, dominance, then his shadow over me after our rolling around led to him putting me on my stomach to rim me then pound me epitomized the joy of being dominated that I tell in my poem "My Submission Has The Floor".

His thighs straddling me as he breathed on my ear turned me on massively since anywhere on the head is an erogenous zone for an Aries. I knew at some point one of us had to get up to get some lube. At first, I thought I had to go to the tube of Sutil Rich Glide that I sat on the nightstand in anticipation of his arrival. It turned out being that he brought his own. So he took some and put it on my asshole, then his thick uncut dick slide easily inside me. For while it had been awhile since I had a real cock in me, my rule of Lube Desire Trust Relax Breathe went through all their steps just that fast because of the delayed satisfaction of my ass's hunger for cock.

He prone boned me at first. I loved his weight, body heat, and lustful energy raining on me. That along with finally a cock in my ass again, my hand reaching back to grab his juicy booty, and my cock grinding against the sheets felt so good. Later, he did me doggy-style. Then at one point, he spooned me. That was one of the best. For he put his muscled arms around me while he thrusted into me, with one hand reaching over to fondle my cock. So I had simultaneous sensation coming at me in so many pleasing ways. For while my dick got stimulated by his fondling, my hand got stimulation from reaching back to grope his ass some more. Plus, while my ass was being stimulated by his cock, my head was stimulated by him nuzzling me as he fucked me. So I was happier than a pig in slop with all that was going on.

He came while pounding me doggy-style. I could feel his thick cock throbbing to get even thicker as his cum shot deep inside me. We ended like just before the clock on March 30th struck midnight to become my birthday, March 31st.

I don't do push-outs of my top's cum. I have no desire to imitate such idiocy from porn. I see them as a waste of cum, but more importantly a waste of my time, and money if it's porn I paid for. And because of that rule, his cum was in me for hours before I got the tingle up there to release it.

He never got to experience the quick setup for the mood that I made when I knew he was arriving. I never got to play one of my Spotify Sex playlists. Because we so immediately got to it as soon as he walked in. And I'm glad. Because as told in my poem "The Symphony from Sex", I think the best mood music during sex are the sounds of sex itself. And we made every one of them that night.

So HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY TO ME.

Backstory & What If: "Tales of a Male Straight Porn Actor's Husband"

 
In case you didn't know or have forgotten, I occasionally write sex articles for the sex toy company Kiiroo. A few months ago however, they asked me for an erotic short story. The one I gave was actually a true story. Recently though, I pitched to them a story that was actual fiction.

The idea was born out of 2 facts I've confessed to when porn is part of my masturbation:

1) I watch more straight porn than gay porn, and;
2) While I'm totally versatile in action, in my fantasies however, I'm more of a bottom.

Keeping those 2 facts in mind, then you are right to conclude that the pleasure one assumes that male is giving that female's vagina is pleasure I'm imagining him giving to my ass.

My masturbation fantasy is usually nothing more than him still being an actor in straight porn. So he has sex will a lot of women, and while I'm the only guy he wants, he is not in a relationship with me. In fact, whether he even has an actual relationship is never part of the fantasy. So since he's having sex with me and those porn starlets, he was definitely bisexual. It's just a matter of what kind of bisexual was he. More gay than straight, more straight than gay, or right down the middle.

In any case, when I decided to build a story around that fantasy, I felt a deeper involvement between the two was more interesting. At first conscious thought, it seemed unbelievable. However, the more I thought about the idea, the more I realized how the fantasy of me, a predominately gay bisexual having sex with a male who does straight porn as expression within a relationship...

This could possibly be someone's reality.

Like I said, for this short story, I made the couple have an actual relationship. Then I upped the ante some more. For the initial story idea was to make my character and the pornstar (whose name is "Zen Massif") boyfriends that had been together for a few years. Then came the last minute idea to up the ante even more so by making us married. It was a means to indicate how while being an unwed couple for a few years shows that you have been through a lot of discovery with each other, getting to the point of marriage means the bond is even stronger. You need such a strong bond if you're going to be involved with someone who is not only in the sex industry as a porn actor, but with whom you have a non-monogamous relationship.

With that in mind, I'm sure many are wondering why would anyone even fantasize, much less actually be so deeply involved with a porn actor. It is because sex between 2 (or more) people truly attracted to each other is a beautiful sight. Especially when the motivation bringing them together are pure. Such as being void of racism, or sexualizing of daddy issues, or glamorizing incest. When absent of such motivations, sex alone or in an orgy has a beauty more than words can describe.  Even if you know one or more of those people are romantically involved with someone else. With that in mind, the thought of watching my significant other being sexual attracted to someone else, pleasuring them that once (twice or occasionally), but always coming home to/with me to pleasure me many times over is a massive turn-on. Also, having that outside person be the means by which you can see the beauty of your partner's sexual motions that you can't see when he is with you, or that you might miss if you have strategically placed mirrors to see yourselves.

Keeping all that in mind, I titled it "Tales of a Male Straight Porn Actor's Husband".

I wrote this story to be more of a preface for more tales to follow. Tales that could easily be adapted to become a porn film. So what if this story was to be adapted to become an actual porn film? With my ownership and pride in this fantasy, the only way a porn adaption would get my blessing is if I played the storyteller. So yes, I would actually come out of my retirement from doing studio-based porn to play that role. And hence why before the story was published, I made my own banner. Even though I knew Kiiroo would make one up themselves.

Now, if I would be playing the storyteller, then who would play my porn stud husband, "Zen Massif"?

Whoever I would approve of, with the exception of being in love with me, the guy playing Zen Massif would have to be a great deal of a real-life version of him. Firstly, he would definitely have to be sexually attracted to me. Because I refuse to fake the chemistry. Also, the guy would have to have shown his bisexual pride by being an out and proud bisexual. He cannot treat his straight or gay side like each side is on a half of a flip-switch. With that side it flips on being triggered only by the weight of dollars placed on it. Instead both his straight and gay side are triggered by the weight of his prospective sex partner's sexual spirit.

The only way the porn actor can mentally and sexually differ from Zen is how his bisexuality does not have to be predominately gay like Zen and myself. He could be a predominately straight bisexual. Having just enough gay and a lust for me to fuck my ass into oblivion for all the world to see---at least twice.

The "at least twice" is in reference to my doing the aforementioned continuation of the story. That continuation depends on either how well the story is received, or just for my own entertainment. In any case, each part would be a sexual escapade featuring Zen and/or my character either together, or with other people that would also be one scene in a porn flick. And at least 2 of those detailed stories would have Zen with his husband.

Whatever the case, it would not be the overkill of bodies in most bisexual porn movies, especially of today. For most bisexual porn movies today are MMF 3-way after MMF 3-way. You hardly ever see  nowadays how and if the guy behaves differently when he is alone with a male compared to when he is alone with a female. The last time I recall seeing a total 1-on-1 scene within a bisexual porn was in the movie "Semper Bi", and that movie was made over a decade ago. With that in mind, I must sadly surmise that all the MMF scenes in one movie is probably a tactic used to prevent you from seeing when the male porn performer has monetized his sexual orientation. An act that is a total contradiction to the character of Zen that anyone playing him should not do. 

So will those stories happen? Only time will tell. In any case, I do hope you read the erotic story, enjoy it, then let me know if you want some follow-up stories.

The chapters that follow: